I'd like to thank the Academy...

By a show of hands, who has seen any of the pictures nominated for best picture Academy Awards this year? Anyone? I know I haven’t. (Which isn’t totally my fault as Schuyler and I were late for the showing of Benjamin Button last Saturday and then the theater only took CASH. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Someone needs to get you a calendar buddy, it’s 2009! It’s called a credit card machine.)

Every time the Academy Award nominations are announced, I feel like I’ve been throwing my money away on the wrong movies. On the surface it looks like I just have poor taste in movies. This year I saw The Dark Knight (duh. And also, I LOVE YOU HEATH), Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Iron Man, Sex and the City, Step Brothers, and Twilight. Srsly. You would think I was some seventeen year old! I blame part of it on my boyfriend, as he and I share a fine taste in toilet humor, and part of it on society. How else am I going to know what my co-workers are talking about if I don’t see the blockbusters? In fact, I think THREE of these movies I saw with coworkers.

Deep inside, however, I must admit something. I like stupid, no-brainer movies. The kinds that are filled lots of special effects, sex jokes, and pretty people. And here’s why: a movie should be an escape. Life is filled with so many complexities. I am constantly contemplating meanings and decisions (and their effects) all day. In the shower. Driving to work. On my lunch break. Late at night when I can’t sleep. I don’t want to see a movie about a dysfunctional family, or sexual abuse, or corporate greed, or the deep dark underbelly of society. (I honestly couldn’t sleep after watching Little Children, I couldn’t finish A Mighty Heart, and I will never subject myself to Blood Diamond ever again.) If I’m going to spend $9 on a ticket, $12 on popcorn and soda, and three hours of my life on something… it better make me laugh. Or dazzle me with special effects. But it just can’t depress me. If I want depression, I’ll spend the night watching the CNN and reading the paper.

What I can’t seem to figure out is why I enjoy deeply depressing, complicated, and honest books. I can bury myself into Lolita, The Color Purple, One of Ours; I can immerse myself into those sad tales of the human existence. These books are all at once beautiful and disappointing and full of grit. Give it to me in a movie? No thanks, I’d rather re-watch Tommy Boy.

If I had to pick five of my all-time favorite movies, I doubt the Academy would agree with me.

1) Amadeus. Ok, so I know it won Best Picture in 1984. HOWEVER. Tom Hulce from Animal House plays the dirty, hilarious Mozart. It’s like an 18th century Seth Rogan only better. And the music is so good I qualify that under special effects. If you haven’t seen it, you must. The end is sad, but it’s accompanied by the Requiem Mass in D minor which is just as satisfying as a car chase.
2) Caddyshack. Chevy Chase. Rodney Dangerfield. Bill Murray. Ted Knight. Golf. Toilet humor. It’s the perfect storm. 3) What About Bob? Again, Bill Murray. I’m a huge fan. “Oh Fay, this corn is delicious. Is it hand shucked?”
4) The Wizard of Oz. The special effects for 1939 were pretty kickass. Did you know they made the tornado out of a stocking? Also, Judy Garland. Again, I know this one was an Academy Award recipient but it’s magical and reminds me of my childhood and therefore makes my list.

5) Old School. Maybe I’m just a product of my generation. But this movie is FUH-NEE. It has Will Ferrell and on a lesser note, Vince Vaughn. I know it came out six years ago, but it never fails. Give me a beer and I start doing the Frank the Tank guns. And don’t even get me started on Snoop, Snoop a loop.

So it may be crude. Call me a philistine. (Actually, please, don’t.) But I remain unapologetic. These are the best movies evar. Period. Take that, uppity Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences!