Take your Cymbalta before reading!

I got to thinking about what an uncomfortable person I am. I am uncomfortable about 82% of the day, the other 18% being when I’m in REM sleep if I’m not dreaming about walking around Wayne State College naked. (It’s a recurring dream, and no, I have no idea why I keep having it.)

I used to think my awkward uncomfortable, slightly anxious feelings stemmed from low self esteem or too much caffeine in the mornings. But now I just realize that it’s probably genetic. It’s very likely I was born with a worried look on my face, thinking, “I sure hope this placenta doesn’t make me look fat. This is just awkward for everyone involved. Quick mom, cross your legs!” See? I can make any situation more awkward than necessary. Most people don’t realize that for several hours a day I am dying inside with “OMG DOOOOOM!” feelings.

To clarify, or rather, prove that I don’t have a mental illness and this is just, in fact, something that is perfectly normal (for me) I’ve compiled a list of my the Top 6 Things That Make Me Squirm/Die Inside. (Why 6? Because the theme of this here post is ‘awkward’)

6. Driving with a passenger. The entire time I am worried they are think I’m driving like a wussy, or that I’m trying to kill them by running through a yellow light. I hate driving with people.

5. Singing. But that’s just common sense because have you heard me sing? It’s like Scuttle on The Little Mermaid. Only worse.

4. Burps. I like to burp. Often, I forget this around people who I should probably not burp in front of. By the time I remember, it’s already too late.

3. My underwear at the gym. It never fails, I wear the riders with the heather yoga pants and HELLO WEDGIE. CAN YOU SEE MY WEDGIE? Question: what is more socially acceptable? Walking around with a visible wedgie or picking the wedgie? Hmmm…

2. Telling people that my favorite band is Fleetwood Mac, my favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz tied with What About Bob, and that my favorite TV show is still Seinfeld. Usually it is met with a look that says, “Let me introduce you to something I call ‘the new millennium’…”

1. Making friends. I fail at small talk. I’m queen of awkward pauses. I am also keenly aware of not wanting to make anyone feel as awkward as I do—so I’ll most likely smile and nod when some psychopath talks about how the government is going to take away our guns, or that the Gators will always be superior to the Huskers or that Kenny Chesney is the greatest musical genius of our time. When I’m really thinking, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”, I just smile and nod a tiny bit in a acknowledgement that they are talking and I am, in fact, still listening. Then I go home and siggggghhh while asking myself, “Why do I continue to try to make friends while living in Florida?”

And then I go to sleep and dream about running around naked at Wayne State College. Oh, the humanity.