Guacamole is next to Godliness

So I've made it no secret that I'm dieting in anticipation of my very holy wedding day where perhaps only my grandmother actually believes I will be losing my virginity. Oh who am I kidding, she knows the jig is up. I think I tried hiding my sinful ways from them but then my Grandma Zautke showed up at my 21st birthday party and I'm pretty sure she saw me take several shots and I may or may not have had her sign my puke bucket I was carrying around.

Sidenote: My friend Kim gave me an icecream bucket on my 21st birthday for people to sign as my puke bucket. Fact: puke buckets are very handy on the one night of the year you don't have to buy your own drinks or have to drive, even if I missed and in fact puked in the truck on the way home. Fact: I woke up the next day and upon inspecting all the signatures I screamed, "MY EX BOYFRIEND WAS AT MY PARTY? (WHO DOESN'T EVEN DRINK AND HATES ME FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM VIA EMAIL BECAUSE I AM A JERK AND I HATE CONFRONTATION.) BECAUSE HERE IS HIS SIGNATURE." Yup, in fact, I don't remember half the people who signed my bucket. I am a role model for so many 20 year olds.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Guacamole. mmmmm. Guacamole.

So just a few minutes ago I decided to make a big bowl of the delicious green bliss. I had four ripe avacados attracting fruit flies on my kitchen counter, and I know what those fruit flies were thinking: add lemon juice and onion to these fruits now, woman. And I always listen to the intuition of insects. Like how flies always try to swarm in the house right before a big storm comes in, or fleas try to hitch a ride into the house on my dog right before the first freeze of the year. They know. Their survival instincts are strong.

So I whipped up some survival guacamole and then stood in the kitchen, eating it in huge scoopfuls off of tortilla chips. I had one hand putting a chip in my mouth while the other hand is fumbling through the chip bag for a non-broken chip for optimal scooping just as soon as I swallowed. My phone even rang and I was all, "No one is taking me away from this moment of triumph," because it was only a matter of moments before Schuyler got home and then I would have to... share. Shudder.

Luckily, I stopped myself before total guacamole anhilation. The force is strong within me. Then, in a fit of guilt I googled how many calories an avocado has in it. I figure I have eating anywhere from one to three tonight. 250 calories a piece.

Goodbye, wedding dress. It was nice knowing you.

And let it be known: I have no regrets.