Barbacoa and Barbed Wire

Did you know there are more than 1,250 calories in a Chipotle Barbacoa burrito?

That's what I had for lunch today.

Actually, I had half. Yesterday while eating at Chipotle I had a premonition that perhaps this enormous entity I was quickly devouring might just be evil. It definitely felt like it weighed more than a pound. And I don't try to eat a pound of anything- not even Barbacoa. So I ate half yesterday and half today.

Then I should be ok, right?



You see, I ask because I've spent a lot of the past four days worrying. The last thing I need on my mind is how I may not fit into my bridesmaid dress in three weeks and subsequently ruin my sister's wedding. The maid of honor- sporting a ... sweatshirt? "Shut up it's the only thing that fits!"

But back to the past four days. I haven't been sleeping well at all- and I've been suffering from stomach cramps that webMD keeps telling me is either endometriosis or appendicitis.

I'm sure it's neither.

You see, as a female I think we are forced to worry. Calories and dress sizes and am I being a good enough friend/girlfriend? My favorite worry lately is about the past repeating itself. I've pretty much been putting up this barbed wire around my heart, tearing it down, and putting it up again. I chalk up my fears and compare the tallies with my logic. Logic never wins- but he's become a better fighter. I give my boyfriend a pair of leather gloves and a wire clipper for the situations in which I've got my guard up. So far, he's been a pretty good sport...

But I am wondering when will life get easier? And I know it will... I just wish I knew when I could finally take a deep breath and after learning my lesson with the hurtful stuff- let it go. After mourning a friendship, or struggling to understand a past that has nothing to do with me-- I need to let go.

To say it's hard would be over-simplifying. But I think just because I'm willing to fight the fight to know myself and my relationships with my friends better- I've already come a long ways in life.