Ladies, join my rant...

When I was planning my wedding I signed up for a few online tools. I mostly wanted to see budget breakdowns, trends, how to save money in several areas, et cetera. So I signed up for an account on The Knot. 

Then the e-mails began. Day after day. Wedding countdowns. Trunk sales for wedding dresses. Catering tips. Oy. It was terrible. I had them ruled straight to the trash can because I couldn't handle the "82 Day Until Your Wedding: Have you picked out your embossed napkins yet?" Do I look like the type of girl that has special napkins at my wedding? I was lucky I remembered to order flowers.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So now that I'm married I've started getting new emails. These are even more insipid than The Knot ones coming from some place called The Nest. They are entitled, "Keeping your Diet in Check," and "Am I Unreasonable? | Not Into Sex | Favorite Dessert Recipes."

THOSE ARE REAL TITLES.

I guess this "Nest" place is the Knot's big, overbearing married sister. You know, the one that is constantly on a diet, unreasonable (thus making her husband miserable), eats its feelings, and is obviously not into sex. At first I was mildly amused at their obviously misguided characterization of the newly married woman. It's title is a not-so-subtle allusion to "Nesting" aka, making a perfect house and filling it with lots of beautiful babies. You know-- the only thing a woman is cut out for once she has successfully achieved her gold merit "marriage" badge.

But today... today The Nest went hysterically over the top. See if you can spot it!

For your convenience, I have a closer look for you:

I couldn't resist. I opened it... and I quote, "Lately, everywhere we turn, there's another article warning us about the dangers of too much masturbation."

I even went further, and clicked for the full story. They cite the "article" that is warning us married ladies of the horrors of an overzealous husband as it appears in the very scientific and medically renowned publication known as Cosmo Magazine.

The fear-mongering that is The Nest, playing to the insecurities of newly-married women-- or even worse their PERCEIVED insecurities of a newly-married women-- is really grossing me out.

If they really wanted to help me they'd send me an article on how to file a joint tax return after a decade of filing as a single person. Or the pros and pitfalls of having a joint checking account. I might want to read those. How to get the best mortgage rates and negotiate a great price on a new car or house.

But that would be far too helpful. Better to play to a woman's insecurities about her sexual prowess, her weight, her ability to "please her man" in the kitchen and in the bedroom. And I'm taking it personally, on behalf of newlywed women everywhere.

PS I know my last point was about a meal that would please your man... but that was in a jesting spirit. I'm afraid that The Nest is very much serious about its messages.